It’s not easy to move your mom or dad into an assisted living community – even when it’s the right way to support them as they age. A mix of anxiety, uncertainty, and loss can come swirling to the surface as you make this decision.

But maybe the strongest emotion of them all is the one we talk about the least – guilt. It might feel like you’re abandoning your parent, or like you’ve failed or betrayed them in some way. 

But, is it guilt? Or is it sadness? 

Remember: guilt comes from doing something wrong, which isn’t the case here at all. Quite the opposite: you’re making sure your mom or dad gets the round-the-clock care they need, just like they did for you growing up. That’s an act of true love and care.

And while the grief you feel is perfectly natural, in time, you might find comfort in knowing your mom or dad is safe and supported in a community you can trust. In the meantime, we’ve put together some tips to help make this difficult transition a little easier. We hope you find it helpful. 

What might be causing your feelings of guilt

Feelings are complicated, and sometimes it’s hard to understand why we feel the way we do. But taking a closer look at the thoughts behind your emotions can really help.

Maybe you’ve been thinking things like: 

• I’m letting my parent down (or breaking her trust)
• They’ll feel lonely or struggle to fit in
• I should be able to take care of my mom or dad myself (even though circumstances have changed)
• Friends and other family members will judge me for the decision I’ve made

When these thoughts surface, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you made this decision out of love – not selfishness. 

The truth is, it’s not always possible to do it all alone. Between managing medications, helping with daily hygiene and meals, and offering 24/7 support, it often takes a whole team to give someone with dementia the care they need.

Related: Dementia Caregiving: How to get through the bad days, and enjoy the good days

So, go easy on yourself. You’re doing what’s best for your mom or dad, and that’s all that really matters.

How to care for yourself (and your mom) during this transition 

Here are some tips that may help you find some comfort during the difficult transition.

Give yourself permission to feel

We understand that facing your feelings isn’t easy. But the first step to healing is acknowledging, accepting, and fully feeling your emotions.

Carving out even a small amount of time to sit with your emotions can make a big difference. Maybe that means joining a support group, writing in a journal, talking through it with a friend or family member, or just sitting with a cup of tea and letting yourself breathe. However you do it, checking in with yourself is an important part of getting through this.

Stay connected with your mom 

Just because your mom or dad has moved to assisted living doesn’t mean you can’t stay close. Even if you can’t visit all the time, there are other ways to keep in touch – nightly phone calls, biweekly video chats, or even weekly handwritten letters. What matters most is that they know you’re still there for them, and that you know you’re doing all you can to support them.

Related: Finding Joy in a Life with Dementia

Learn about the community’s care

One of the best ways to ease your mind is to research your mom or dad’s new care community. Understanding the services and support they’re getting at their new home can bring a great sense of peace and relief. 

Many assisted living communities will even arrange a quick chat between you and your parents’ caregivers so you can feel confident they’ll be surrounded by the right support. 

Tell your mom how you’re feeling

We know these conversations aren’t easy. But sitting down with your mom or dad and explaining your decision might bring you both some comfort. Let them know you want the best for them, and that everything you’re doing comes from a place of love. 

Ask if there’s anything you can do to make them feel more comfortable in their new living situation. And remind them that even though you’re not their full-time caregiver anymore, you’re still there to support them in any way you can.

Lean on support 

If you’re stuck in your own head, it’s easy to start believing things that aren’t true, like “I’ve made the wrong choice” or “my mom thinks I betrayed her.” But talking through these concerns with someone else can ground you and help you understand that the thoughts you’re having are just thoughts – not facts.

Reach out to friends, family, or anyone who’s been through something similar. Sharing your feelings gives you perspective and reminds you that you’re doing the best you can.

Give your parent the care they deserve with Sundara Senior Living 

We understand better than anyone how difficult it is for adult children to move their aging parents into senior living communities. That’s why we go above and beyond to make your mom’s experience the best it possibly can be.

With only 16 residents in each home, we offer a more personal and comfortable environment that’s often missing in larger facilities. This creates a calm, stable atmosphere for our assisted living residents. Our dedicated team is specially trained to support residents with cognitive challenges, and we provide a small, welcoming memory care community where residents and staff connect naturally for comfortable retirement living. 

And at the end of the day, we’re here to build strong relationships with our residents and their families, and to make the transition as easy as possible for you and your mom.

To learn more about how Sundara Senior Living can support your mom or dad, please fill out our quick contact form and we’ll get back to you shortly.