While the stages of dementia may look different from person to person, many experience loss of recognition at some stage.
As a carer – whether you’re a spouse, a child, or a friend – it can be extremely difficult to watch someone you love slowly forget who you are. One day, they may struggle to remember your name, and the next, they might look at you like a complete stranger.
It’s one of the most heartbreaking parts of dementia grief – and also one of the most common.
In this blog, we’ll offer a few ways to deal with the emotions that come with caring for a person with dementia and a loved one who can no longer recognize you. Remember, your caregiver role is important, but you deserve self-care along the way.
How to cope when a loved one forgets who you are
Whether it’s rapid or slow, as dementia progresses, memory loss is common. And when a family member or friend you care for develops dementia, it can be one of the most painful and confusing aspects of the disease for all involved. The person they used to be seems to fade before your eyes, and gradually, they may not recognize you anymore, either.
The loss of that connection is its own kind of grief, felt long before our loved one is truly gone. And it’s a natural response for any carer to have.
What should you do if the person you’re caring for calls you by the wrong name when you visit them? Do you correct them, potentially causing more confusion? Or do you accept that they may be forgetting who you are? And how do you handle the pain?
There’s no real right or wrong way to deal with the loss of recognition, but there are a few things you can do to stay present when times get tough. We’ll guide you through them below.
1. Try to avoid unnecessary stress or confusion
When your loved one doesn’t recognize who you are, your job is to make them feel as safe and comfortable as you can.
Instead of getting frustrated and questioning them over and over again, respond gently and calmly. Reassure them that you know who they are, and try not to let your own emotions get the better of you.
2. Look for other ways to connect
Your name or face might not be ringing any bells with your loved one today, and that’s okay. While you can try to bring up past memories, sometimes it’s best to accept that today isn’t the day they’ll talk to you as their son, daughter, or spouse. Instead, find other ways to connect with them – whether it’s through physical touch like holding hands, or simply just sitting with them.
It is difficult, but it’s important to think about the person dealing with the dementia. They still want to be cared for and loved, but sometimes our own need for recognition can cause them to feel even more confused and anxious.
To make them feel as comfortable and at ease as possible, keep letting them know that you know them. Talk to them, tell them stories from the past, or bring up fond memories from their childhood. Do what you can to make them feel calm and safe.
Related: How creativity can help those living with dementia
3. Practice coping strategies
It’s important to make sure your loved one feels safe and comfortable during this part of their life, but don’t forget about your own mental well-being. You are just as important, and navigating this with your loved one is going to put a strain on your mental health and your life.
Caring for yourself during this difficult time can be hard. You may feel selfish, like the world is unfair, and have deep feelings of sadness. Coping with the psychological loss of someone while they’re still living is an unusual emotion to deal with. Mourning somebody you were once so close to, yet still having to visit them and see them, is emotionally taxing. But you’re not alone; many people in your situation are familiar with this feeling, known as anticipatory grief.
To make sure you’re looking after yourself, here are some coping strategies to care for yourself during this time:
Prioritize your mental health
Make time for yourself by doing things you love that’ll keep you busy and take your mind off what you’re going through. It could be going to a new gym class to relieve stress, joining a book club, or just meeting up with a friend for coffee once a week.
Focus on the good
It sounds like a cliché, but in difficult times, it’s important to look for the positives in every moment. It’s normal to feel a sense of anger and pain, but try to train your mind to look to the good. Today might have been rough, but try to find comfort that tomorrow you might see a glimmer in your loved one’s eyes when they remember your name or recall a past memory.
Write out your thoughts
Get a journal or a piece of paper and jot down how you’re feeling day-to-day. Don’t shy away from expressing how you really feel. It’s important to process difficult feelings and vent when you feel upset. And remember, your emotions are always valid.
Practice mindfulness
Deep breathing and meditation will help bring you back to ground when emotions are running high. You can use free apps like Headspace or Calm, or watch guided videos on YouTube.
Practice acceptance and talk to friends
Consider your position and practice acceptance. You’re not alone in going through this situation, and thankfully, there are many support groups and networks out there to offer their services. Don’t forget to speak to friends and family and lean on them for support.
Seek professional support
Caring for a person with dementia can feel isolating and leave you feeling vulnerable, but you don’t have to do it all on your own. Know when to ask for help. Talk to a specialized therapist for dealing with dementia, grief, and memory loss. They’ll help you navigate this period of your life, offer helpful strategies, and be a shoulder to lean on in difficult moments.
Compassionate care in Round Rock, Texas
No one is going to judge you for feeling the pressure or asking for a helping hand to give yourself a much-needed break. Respite care services can give your loved one the care they need while giving yourself time to recuperate, both mentally and physically.
The team at Sundara Senior Living is there to help. At our care community, we house just 16 residents in each home, providing a close-knit community where each member of staff can connect with residents and make them feel as safe as possible. Smaller numbered homes create a calmer, less stressful environment, and more one-to-one care.
If you’d like to learn more about how Sundara Senior Living can support your loved ones, reach out to us today!